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The president of the US has no heart, but he needs a de-fib-relator.
What Catholics in Michigan chiefly do in church is play eucre. They play so much that many develop a repetitive stress injury, known as the eucre wrist.
Whisking: a culiary technique that involves a whisker and a whisky.
A boat went out in the morning in pursuit of efficiency. It didn't return at the expected time, and people said it was latency.
When Tim Berners-Lee moved to MIT, was that an act of dis-CERN-ment?
Why is Amsterdam so good for balance?
Because it has many semicircular canals.
[This joke is not exactly a pun, but I put it here anyway]
An employee in a strip club said she had misunderstood what the job consisted of. "I thought it would be working at the polls, for elections."
After extracting my tooth, the dentist said I can eat pasta, but only if it is soft. Instead of al dente, it has to be alla gengiva.
Someone repeatedly harangued me to try a particular way to lose weight, so I snapped back, "I am not intrerested in those diet-tribes!"
Queen Cleopatra enjoyed keeping snakes, so she told some of her philosophers to start studying reptiles. They decided to call this field of study "her-pet-ology".
A: I tried playing didgeridoo, but I didn't manage to learn the proper
B: Didgeridoo your lessons?
A sculpture of Theresa May contained surveillance cameras. A passerby attacked it with a hammer and was fined statue-tory damages.
This replaces a pun about David Cameron. To mock him is no longer useful, and seems almost churlish.
An analog circuit designer applies for a job at a dating service, but they tell him, "You've misread the ad: we process singles, not signals."
Pessimists are the realistic people. The others have their vision clouded by an opti-mist.
A Trinidadian family is one with three fathers.
My friend is good at comforting people who are going off the deep end.
He's very deep-endable.
I visited the Corning Glass Museum and told them
I could make Pyrex without hardly trying.
I've never done baking, so any pies I make will surely be wrecks.
In Corning I walked along Argonne Street, and I noticed all the houses were vacant. The people Argonne.
A naturalist saw a whale dribbling out food on the sea floor then tracing complex shapes in it with its tongue, and reported: Whale observed painting with a krill lick.
In the cemetery, the dead were jamming but not playing in tune. It was a cacoffiny.
Did it work to employ ex-marines in your factory?
No, the jarheads turned out to be bottlenecks.
When the nurse said I was not pretty enough for intra-Venus feeding, I pleaded that I had graduated from an IV-league school.
"Here are stallions for the stage hands and cameramen to ride, but the actors have to ride those geldings over there."
"That's not fair. Why can't we actors ride stallions too?"
"Because they haven't been cast-rated."
If you decide to take a bus, and by chance you have the required exact change, that's a coin-cidence.
A geometer claimed he was carrying a divine message that people should be both Catholic and Baptist, and called himself the angel bisecter.
Facebook said it would slightly relax its policy of requiring accounts to carry people's real names, under pressure from cross-dressers. The company feared they would leave the site, and then it would be unable to do drag net surveillance. (Note, Facebook did not really make the change.)
Fossil-fool politicians in many countries are following Nero: playing the liar as Earth burns.
What did the judge write while on the Space Shuttle?
An orbiter dictum.
My girlfriend was named "Stacy" but she changed her name shortly before I met her. I am so glad I found my ex-Stacy.
Making a pun on someone's name is called onomastication — and the victim usually says, or at least thinks, "Oh, no!"
A Christian protester shouted to a woman who was entering an abortion clinic, "Don't be de-fetused! God will provide everything you need, unless he doesn't."
How did you do on your French exam?
I omitted an accent and got a dire critical mark.
Where do orchids come from?
From a mommy orc and a daddy orc.
Why did they put the Royal College of Physicians (in Dublin)
on Kildare Street?
Because people there were having respiratory problems from breathing the killed air.
"Why can't you keep the ship from drifting?" asked the owner. "Is there a problem with some equipment?" The captain replied, "Cantankerous."
Why did Popeye become a stunt pilot? Because he had a spin-itch.
For a glider pilot to stay aloft for a long time, he must have the courage of his convections.
Copa airlines carries a whale in every plane, just to make sure every flight is copa-cetic.
Airplanes are spreading sonic and chemical pollution around Seattle; residents complain about pew-jet sound.
I found my female sibling weeping, and asked her, "Having a cry, sis?"
How broad are the effects of increased CO2 on the ocean? They stretch from cost to cost.
A drunkard took shelter on a full moon night in a large windowless building. Alas for him, it was a werehouse.
Why can't we grow new trees?
Because our soil is short of new-tree-ents.
My friend had a few acacia trees which flowered acacionally.
Why is the English common law so concerned with property rights? Because the English gentry insisted on proper tea rites every afternoon.
Bakers for the English nobility used cylindrical ovens descending into the ground so that their product would be well bread.
There is a sign in Brooklyn that advertises the law firm of Held, Held, Held and Held. Don't call them to get you out of jail!
Why do sports teams from Scranton generally lose? Because they don't try hard enough. It's called, "Lackawanna."
Why do gamblers from Scranton generally lose? Instead of the whole poker face, they use just the Poconos.
I went to Paris and saw the Eiffel tower. What an eyeful!
The Grand Canyon is deeply gorgeous.
Does an Anarchist man have an antistate gland instead of a prostate gland?
If you have trouble making decisions, you should get treated by an optician.
Which elements are used in medicine? Helium and curium, and if those fail, barium.
I asked a doctor when there would be a cure for the common cold, and he said it would happen when swine flu.
My neighbor in 1967 got a medical deferment from the draft by presenting his doctor with a case of sham pain.
How should a girl prevent boys from getting infatuated with her? Use a detergent regularly, and when that fails, apply the antidote.
When he gets you alone in the back seat, it means he's in the mood for carpetting. Watch out — he could cover you with carcasses and it could become car-sin-ogenic.
We discovered asbestos in the basement; what should we do? Clean it up asbestos we can.
The Boston Celtics have a very frank name that indicates the organization's true purpose: sell tix.
Finally, New York City has elected a day-mayor. Koch, Giuliani and Bloomberg were night-mayors.
"The bees' knees" is the plural of "the beanie".
The crow is a very wise bird: whatever it does, it does with caws.
The ancient Greek goddess of parking was Demeter. If you parked in an unpropitious place, you had to make an offering to Demeter.
The word "procrastination" comes from the Greek myth of Procrastes, who would stretch every task to fit the time available.
Which constellation is Irish? O'Ryan.
In anthropology, the way people in a group understand their behavior is called "emic"; an outsider's objective description of the behavior is called "etic". The relationship between the two is known as the "emetic" relationship.
I met someone who said, "I study microfinance," so I asked if they were too fine to observe with the naked eye.
A boy told me he wanted to spend a year studying abroad, so I told him that each one requires a whole life of study.
A girl I adored found a Latin lover, so I accused her of getting off on a tan gent.
Once when I was feeling sad I drove past an artificial lake and said, "I feel a dam sight better now."
I met a man who was picking his clothing apart at the seams. I asked him why, and he told me, "It's my work — I am an auto-detailor."
Which Jazz musician is most popular on the World Wide Web? Bix Baederbecke (known to some as Big Spider Becke).
Did you hear about the free-lance magic advisor? He added consult to conjury.
They are called contractors because their business keeps getting smaller.
The great gothic cathedrals were built by men with hairy behinds, who used to climb to the top of the unfinished building and shake them. People came for miles to see the famous "flying butt-tresses".
Composting is a very useful practice, but it never occurs to me to do it. I guess I'm non compost mentis.
We've all seen slogans with hearts, spades and maybe clubs, but not with the other suit. Thus, here is my pledge not to gafiate: I won't ♦ane.
Chinese gardens often have ponds filled with ornamental fish, and beautiful bridges over them. Watch out for those: if you stand on one, you can get carp-pool tunnel syndrome.
How do you remove the fish from those ponds? With a de-koi.
Why do those fish need less food than we need? They have an economy of scale.
Harvard is built on vector calculus: it has grad students, div students, and girl (curl) students.
You can tell a Cantabridgian because everything he writes is too long.
Fordham university is going to open a very expensive branch in Cambridge, to be called Canta-Fordham.
Two cells went to Las Vegas and formed a syncytial connection.
Modern neurobiology has determined that drunkenness occurs primarily in the michel lobe.
The Stata Center at MIT was infested by mice, and one of them often nibbled on my tea bags. I called it "my tea mouse".
Daylight savings time was invented by a German politician. He was so proud that he changed his name to Adenauer.
In the 1980s there were two students at the AI Lab named Nomi. We were binomial.
I have a young relative named Noemi. I hope she doesn't go into TV.
A flautist is a musician who disregards performance conventions.
How do you seduce a cryptographer? Say you'd like to visit his one-time pad.
What do you say when your sweetheart needs the toilet so
urgently that walking isn't fast enough?
Skip to my loo, my darling.
A company whose employees used pogo sticks to deliver bottled water was called "Pole and Spring Water."
I broke the world record for lying in bed. Instead of a trophy, I got atrophy.
For a few years, Dubya made himself the "teflon president" through religion: he practiced gnostic Christianity.
The Bahai church invites people to join, but the Babai church encourages its members to convert to other faiths.
The delta Jews were a community of Jews who lived in the New Orleans
area in the 19th century. How did delta Jews greet each other?
They said, "How's bayou?"
The US mainstream media had a stroke, and now suffer from left-wing hemineglect.
At the restaurant tonight we had to wait in line to meet the real doll. It was a Barbie-queue.
I was disappointed that they had no collard greens. They apologized and said that the greens were running so fast today that they couldn't be collard.
How does a Chinese chef cook a noisy animal?
In a jabberwok.
My friend opened a tin of sardines and began eating them with very small bites. I said, "You can't do that! That's can-nibble-ism!"
I had a great meal at a Moroccan restaurant. Some places are rockin', and some are Moroccan.
I went to a Nepalese restaurant and had a Nepalling dinner.
Cooking that makes you sick is called queasine.
McDonald's sells "fast food", so called because it is made for not eating.
A gourmet tricked a restaurant into giving him sushi rolls by means of a makiavellian scheme.
Did you hear about the pirates that boarded a ship and stole a cargo of truffles? They were hypha-lootin' pirates.
A meat chef resigned because he was tired of getting lamb basted.
In London Chinatown, we always used to eat at Poons, because we enjoyed their Lamb Poons.
The waiters at an Ethiopian restaurant in Boston are nasty. They add insult to injera.
What dish combines cocoa and eggplant? Chocolate moussaka.
When Jimmy Carter was chosen as the chief official of the state of Georgia, was that a goobernatorial election?
M&M's were invented in ancient Egypt, and were named after the pharaoh Amenemhet.
How does a chemistry professor punish a grad student in the lab? By putting him on tight rations.
Zucchini: a two-piece bathing suit for animals.
When Europeans first visited the northern part of North America, they did not know how to survive there. The natives did. So they gave the Europeans advice based on their experience:
But the Europeans had no respect for the natives, and ignored this wise advice. So they kept on wearing insufficient clothing, teasing bears, and travelling with too few dogs. Sometimes they died, and the natives told each other, "I knew it."
Eventually they became known as the Inuit.
Integrated circuit technology would have been lost during the middle ages if it hadn't been preserved by the chipmunks.
How do you get a hacker to stop typing and go to sleep? Sing a lulzaby.
Modern laptop monitor design: lengthwise and width foolish.
How do you make a computer chip handle stress?
Design it with angst-rom units.
Otherwise it might go on a ram-page (thanks to Adrienne Thompson).
Despite asking over and over, I have been unable to convince
the EFF to support my positions — for instance, that Digital
Restrictions Management should be illegal, that software should be
immune from patent lawsuits, and that digital systems must be
redesigned not to collect dossiers about people in general.
It appears my views are inEFFable.
Basic is worse than C-sick.
Apple's response to Google Glasses will be called iBrowse.
The Pioneer Award I received is a lot nicer than the pie-in-face Award that Bill Gates received at about the same time.
A pair of travelling exhibits on theory of computation was known as the Turing Circus. (Three meanings!)
In the Greek myth of sysfs, every time the programmers thought it was working, they discovered they needed to rewrite it from scratch.
When a monastery sells jams and jellies over the Internet, is that monk e-business?
During the 1980s, millions of computers came to America through LSI-land.
The computer designers who believe processor chips are obsolete must be high on gate-arrayed.
To go with its AIX system (a variant of Unix), IBM redesigned the X Window System and called it Panes. Thus, users of the RT-PC could have AIX and Panes on their machine.
My femmebot wanted an upgrade to be more attractive, so I gave her a sexy new core-set.
In the 1980s, GNU included a program designed to fake the use of COFF format without really understanding it. The program was called Robotussin (COFF medicine for your computer).
When a particularly nasty bug appears close to release time, is that regression to the mean?
The most important point of any digital church is the apse.
At dinner at a Japanese restaurant, the person next to me said she wanted to work with abused children. Since we had not yet received the tempura, I responded, "If battered shrimps are your interest, we should have some soon."
Bento box: a shoe that isn't long enough.
The cooks that make negimaki are rapscallions.
In a Japanese restaurant, the waiter offered me sake. I declined the sake, saying, "No thanks, I'm going to eat cold soba tonight."
Did you know Senator Joe McCarthy was a Shintoist? He thought there were kamis everywhere.
After some time in the rainy capital, I came to understand why Kiwis refer to rubber boots as "Wellingtons".
I took the ferry to the South Island, and when I got off, the locals started mocking me. It wasn't that they were mean, though. They just wanted me to feel Picton.
Then I saw that someone was selling chairs and tables made of punga wood. He called them "ferniture".
If there is a Freddo Frog, is there a Semifreddo Salamander?
In Mt Gambier, Australia, the prostitutes had so little custom that they had to moonlight looking after trucks parked in a large lot, while the drivers went to sleep or eat. Later the appreciative town commemorated them by converting the lot into Vansittart Park.
People in Australia who get Alzheimer's disease apply for Adelaide.
Kakadu National Park was named after the inbred feral chickens that couldn't manage all of "cockadoodle do".
How the echidna got its name: The first naturalist who described this egg-laying mammal at a meeting encountered contemptuous disbelief from his colleagues. One of them even said, "'e kiddin' ya".
Australians have domesticated the trolls, and use them to propel cars. So when a car gets low on energy, you take it to a pet-troll station.
Is there a cure for Tasmania?
When Maria Cristina of Iligan realized her lover was not coming back, just before jumping over the falls, she cried out, "To me, no beau!". Thus, the region became known as Tuminobo.
What's the spookiest city in the Philippines?
Cebu (Say "Boo!").
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